Lusy’s Blog

Sometimes, I don’t know which one is better.. To know the truth that is killing you on the inside or living your life and pretend – or at least try – to be happy even though you know it’s just one big fat lie..

I don’t think I have much to write about.. I just know that I’m tired being the person that I’m not used to be.. I’m tired of feeling miserable all the time.. I’m tired of feeling angry.. And exhausted.. And consumed with all the hatred and dramas that I didn’t create.. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself.. Sometimes I blabbered about my problems, only because I’m trying to find answers or at least trying to make some sense out of it.. And making sure that I’m not just going insane..

Two days ago, after another long and very unnecessary argument, i could feel myself in the verge of breaking down.. Where I felt myself shaking on the inside and couldn’t put myself back together for a little while.. I tried to talk to someone about this, but that person just took it lightly and commented on another issue that wasn’t even my concern at that point of time.. So, that was no use.. Thank God I could talk to my auntie that day.. She’s the one person that really gets me.. And understands everything that I was saying to her.. Because she’s been there and done all that.. I don’t think I talked that much.. But I remembered that as soon as she said something, and it touched my heart and the wound, I just started crying.. I felt a lot better after that..

But the argument went on again that night.. And tonight.. And it all just left me wonder, when is it gonna end? How is it gonna end? However the ending is going to be, is it gonna be worth it?? I really don’t know.. I guess only time will tell.. But one thing that I know for sure.. I sure hope that my children wouldn’t have to go through what I’m going through now.. I hope that they will have a better life than me.. A whole lot better life story to tell their children.. And never to grow up doing all those things that that person has ever done to me.. A lot of the times, I got annoyed and frustrated.. So I yelled and got angry with them.. (Even though I always try to make sure that I’d say sorry to them afterwards.. :)) But doesn’t matter how good or bad they are, they are MY LIFE..  They are my strength.. Without them, I’ll be nothing.. And if it’s not for them, I may not be here..

For Thomas and Natalie, thank you for your love.. Thank you for your eye rolling understanding gestures.. Thank you for all the hugs and kisses.. Thank you for being in my life.. And doesn’t matter how hard things are or will be.. Know this, that I love you unconditionally.. Always have and always will..  That is something that will never change for as long as I live.. For James, I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep my promise to you.. I hope you could understand.. I love you.. Rest in peace, my baby.. Always, Mummy xoxo

In the last few weeks, we’ve been bombarded with all sorts of terrible news.. Bushfires, floods, airplane crash, shark attack, earthquake.. All sorts of things… That was just like a wake up call for me.. A big reminder of  how thin the line is between life and death, of how easy it is for everything that we’ve got to be taken away from us, including our lives, our loved ones,  everything.. And sometimes, there’s very little if not nothing that we can do to change it..

And all of that just reminded me about The Serenity Prayer.. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference… Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him. Forever in the next. Amen.”

It makes me realise that we have to appreciate our lives more.. To not take things for granted, but to cherish them more.. To act accordingly.. So we don’t have any regrets at the end of the day.. May God always shines His light on us and guide us through our struggles and let it shape us more into the persons He has planned us to be..

Good night everybody.. 🙂