Hmm.. Bodohnya….

Ga tau apa gw harus ngerasa kecewa atau penasaran atau sakit hati atau marah atau sedih atau ngerasa puas karena terbukti benar atau gimana… I’ve known the truth all along.. But somehow, when see things like that, I still cringe.. Still feel the pain.. Hmm, maybe not pain.. More to anger.. Sebel kenapa gw tuh dianggep segitu begonya.. Kesel kenapa gw kok kayaknya diperlakukan spt itu.. Dan marah ama keadaan yg ngebuat gw harus berpikir 1000x sebelum bertindak apa2.. dan unfortunately, at this present of time, gw emang lagi ngga bisa bergerak atau berbuat apa2 sama sekali.. Gw udah terima.. Gw udah ngga nuntut apa2.. Do whatever he wants.. I’m not gonna care.. Just leave me alone.. Stop hurting me.. But still, apparently it is too much to ask.. Don’t know what else to do.. He asked for a chance to get to know each other again, i was – and still am- really hesitant even to just think about that.. but somehow i managed to try to give him a chance, but it obviously required me to open my heart a little bit and give him benefit of the doubt.. but this is what he does?? Don’t know who or what should I hate the most!!!!!

Anyway, better go to sleep.. Big day tomorrow.. And the rest of the weekend..

Happy weekend everybody.. GBU..

Just a little something..

Sometimes, I don’t know which one is better.. To know the truth that is killing you on the inside or living your life and pretend – or at least try – to be happy even though you know it’s just one big fat lie..

I don’t think I have much to write about.. I just know that I’m tired being the person that I’m not used to be.. I’m tired of feeling miserable all the time.. I’m tired of feeling angry.. And exhausted.. And consumed with all the hatred and dramas that I didn’t create.. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself.. Sometimes I blabbered about my problems, only because I’m trying to find answers or at least trying to make some sense out of it.. And making sure that I’m not just going insane..

Two days ago, after another long and very unnecessary argument, i could feel myself in the verge of breaking down.. Where I felt myself shaking on the inside and couldn’t put myself back together for a little while.. I tried to talk to someone about this, but that person just took it lightly and commented on another issue that wasn’t even my concern at that point of time.. So, that was no use.. Thank God I could talk to my auntie that day.. She’s the one person that really gets me.. And understands everything that I was saying to her.. Because she’s been there and done all that.. I don’t think I talked that much.. But I remembered that as soon as she said something, and it touched my heart and the wound, I just started crying.. I felt a lot better after that..

But the argument went on again that night.. And tonight.. And it all just left me wonder, when is it gonna end? How is it gonna end? However the ending is going to be, is it gonna be worth it?? I really don’t know.. I guess only time will tell.. But one thing that I know for sure.. I sure hope that my children wouldn’t have to go through what I’m going through now.. I hope that they will have a better life than me.. A whole lot better life story to tell their children.. And never to grow up doing all those things that that person has ever done to me.. A lot of the times, I got annoyed and frustrated.. So I yelled and got angry with them.. (Even though I always try to make sure that I’d say sorry to them afterwards.. :)) But doesn’t matter how good or bad they are, they are MY LIFE..  They are my strength.. Without them, I’ll be nothing.. And if it’s not for them, I may not be here..

For Thomas and Natalie, thank you for your love.. Thank you for your eye rolling understanding gestures.. Thank you for all the hugs and kisses.. Thank you for being in my life.. And doesn’t matter how hard things are or will be.. Know this, that I love you unconditionally.. Always have and always will..  That is something that will never change for as long as I live.. For James, I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep my promise to you.. I hope you could understand.. I love you.. Rest in peace, my baby.. Always, Mummy xoxo

Serenity..

In the last few weeks, we’ve been bombarded with all sorts of terrible news.. Bushfires, floods, airplane crash, shark attack, earthquake.. All sorts of things… That was just like a wake up call for me.. A big reminder of  how thin the line is between life and death, of how easy it is for everything that we’ve got to be taken away from us, including our lives, our loved ones,  everything.. And sometimes, there’s very little if not nothing that we can do to change it..

And all of that just reminded me about The Serenity Prayer.. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference… Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him. Forever in the next. Amen.

It makes me realise that we have to appreciate our lives more.. To not take things for granted, but to cherish them more.. To act accordingly.. So we don’t have any regrets at the end of the day.. May God always shines His light on us and guide us through our struggles and let it shape us more into the persons He has planned us to be..

Good night everybody..🙂

Annoyed!!

Last night I got abused over something so ridiculous and unnecessary. I knew I shouldn’t have listened nor let it get to me. Well, I didn’t listen, I didn’t even yell back. But somehow, it still got to me. I didn’t feel upset. But i felt so annoyed. Things that was said and of course the foul language were just so uncalled for.

To top it off, today, I found out that there are a few people that have been bad mouthing me behind my back. Things that left me wonder how did it ever got out. I don’t remember saying anything like that. Not intentionally anyway.. If I ever said anything remotely related to that, maybe it was just out of frustration or maybe just as a joke.. But obviously it got out in a wrong way..

Both got me so annoyed.. But at least the second one is probably easier to fix. Not that I can really understand why or how it happened, but I guess I know how not to let it happen again. Maintain distance and say as little as possible. But the first one, as annoying as it is to admit, it is just harder for me to get over with.. Because it is personal attack.. Over something that is so important to me and I would never do anything to harm them in any way, shape or form. Things that could make me shiver just by the thought of it.. And yet, this was coming from someone that barely even spend times to really get to know them, and he said it in an over dramatic and heartless way..

I wonder why I could be this silly to let this stupid thing eating me!! I spent the whole day feeling miserable and not knowing if I’m upset or annoyed or angry or sad or what… When he rang me just before, I told him that I didn’t appreciate it, and only for him then to say that I just simply didn’t get what he meant. Hmm.. Woww..  Am I really that stupid?? And today, I also disappointed one of my best friends for being late at a certain thing that was quite important.. Once again, please accept my apology. You know who you are..

Hmm.. What a day!!

My First Blog

I’ve never really written a blog or anything like this before in my life, unless I had to. I’m not very good in writing. And to be honest, I don’t even know why now I want to have a blog. I seriously don’t.. But, I guess I’m just trying to keep track of things that crossed my mind.. I guess I’m just trying to make sense out of things that has happened in my life. And hoping that somehow I can learn from it and learn not to make the same mistakes over and over again.. So, here goes..

I’m sitting on the floor, in my living room, at 2am, annoyed and confused. The kids are sound asleep.. It is so much cooler now than what it was earlier on today (thank God for that!!) but I still couldn’t make myself to go to sleep. I’m having a hard time trying to understand why do people think that they can do things as they please, simply because they can. For me, that’s not an answer. That’s not even an excuse. It happened so often in my life, it is so not funny, and I thought somehow I will get use to it, but for some unknown reason, somehow I still feel disappointed, everytime.

I know they are playing games. I know they think that I’m not gonna figure it out or maybe need a long time to put the pieces of the puzzle together.. But, there is a thing that is called a gut feeling. I’m not saying that it’s always right. But normally it’s there for a reason. It is there because something or someone is trying to tell us something. It is our choice to choose to listen to it or deny it and try to reason with ourselves. And this whole time, I know that I’m right. But with the prove of bits and pieces that I put together, it’s good to know that I wasn’t just being paranoid, that I haven’t lost my mind. And yet, I still don’t know if I should feel happy or sad.

I’m not looking for an answer anymore. Because deep down I know that this may not be the right time nor place for it. I just want to know, how am I gonna get through this? How am I supposed to end all this? What should I do? Or say? Or think? If only someone could help me..

Hmmm.. Anyway, good night..🙂

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